Sunday, November 6, 2011

Limbo

The past several weeks have brought about a kind of limbo.  By that I mean a sort of existing of slow movements and simple functions.  Where my thoughts have been in a kind of suspension.  It feels rather like waiting.  Waiting, not in an anticipatory way, but just being still.  Where there are no days, just one long stretch of time.

Limbo exists because of physical frailty.  My mind has had to slow down to accommodate my body healing.  Slowly, ever so slowly my body is feeling more whole and getting stronger.  It is such an odd thing to be fragile, to not be able to do without thinking.  But time heals that too where my mind won't have to walk through pudding waiting for my body to catch up.

Perhaps I cannot go to the studio to paint just yet but I can mess about with sewing projects and wearing ruts in the floor boards puttering from room to room!  In future I'm sure I'll be going on about painting techniques rather than explaining my medical blues!

In case you didn't know the 'why' of this current malady.  Well, it has to do with a buildup of fluid in my lower abdomen as a result of having bits missing.  Fluid builds up and the body can't always absorb it adequately enough.  The surgeon helps it by making two small incisions in my lower belly to burst the fluid bubble and create a way for it to drain.  Slowly over time the area that traps the fluid collapses so that fluid cannot collect there again.

More than you'd ever want to know about such things, eh?  I wish there were an artful way of making it through this mess, but there's only persistance, a dogged kind of unglamourous crawling that with each day becomes a better fumble to a better walk and so on.  Once out of the feeblness of couch weight I can start to build castles in the air again and feel lighter because of it.  I watch and wait as the magic of being alive heals me everyday.  What a wonder that life will always find a way.  No wonder we hang on to it no matter what!

It is this wonder that I'm always looking to paint!

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