Friday, September 16, 2011

Forward and backward

Casting my mind backward a few months I remember writing about waiting for the summer sun to warm my body and help me heal from chemo. With autumn upon me now I feel the chill in the air realizing that the subtle passage of time has done just what I needed. I got to have the summer sun upon me and have been steadily healing. My hair growth alone is marking time having gone from bald to a thickening crop of velvet. Other side effects still plague me but are small nuisances only now. It feels so good to be back to painting, for myself and murals in homes. I like work and being able to push myself. It sure beats the occupation of "couch weight"!

It's also good to be able to look forward. For many months I kept myself from thinking about the future or making plans. It wouldn't have served me very well when what was required was to stay still. Now I'm full of dreams and motivations and so much to do. The thrill though isn't so much going back to familiar ground but how I feel on that familiar ground. I feel a joy I had lost before in working as a "brush for hire". I had had it with unkind client's and how they treated me and I hated myself for not being able to please others or myself. In some weird twist of fate cancer has given back to myself. It's absolutely crazy but true.

My version of the future is clearer in my mind now than ever before minus one factor, fear. Fear really is a mind killer. Without it you are free. It is liberating to know that I have a future and I am so very grateful for that.

No comments:

Post a Comment