How to tell you about the past few days without complaining is a bit difficult. I hate complaining as it doesn't really serve a purpose, but I do admit that getting vexing situations off one's chest does feel better and usually satisfies frustration enough that "you get over it and get on with it!"
In this particular saga, the ongoing riddle of why my eyes are hazy, making it hard to see, and why my fingertips are bulbus with yellow lifting nails, swollen and sore, their are answers needed. The most obvious answer why is that all of this is a side effect of the chemotherapy drugs. In my case these drugs lodged in the retina of both my eyes and in my fingertips. Sometimes I think that if I were equipped with a spigot I could turn, I could siphon off the toxins like dispensing a beverage from a giant urn from the firehall "all you can eat" breakfast!
At first I was told that the bulbousness of my fingertips called, "clubbing" would be permanent. The next day a different specialist told me that it was reversible over time. You can imagine which one I chose to believe. And how angry I was that I wasn't told that this could be a possibility as a side effect from cancer treatments!
In the cancer rhetoric it is always mentioned that the patient is on a "journey". This is no journey but, at least for this week a roller coater ride of mis-information, speculation and medical staff that spends most of their time putting out fires. Alot of the time because there are so many cancer patients. My complaint is that no one tells you the possible side effects because, as they say, "everyone goes through it differently". Yet there are commonalities. Most of the helpful information I have received came from anecdotal tales from woman going through cancer treatments. Their advise was much more soothly to help me know what do do on my own. Simple things too that took the fear out of the unknown. Most woman I know can cope with anything if they know the choices. They can then own the information and make it work for them instead of being in the mysterious darkness of the fear of illness and death. We aren't going to die. We are going to live until we die. There's a huge difference. Don't define my life by the label of cancer, define me by my orneriness, my lust for life and my art!