Friday, May 20, 2011

weighty blog

Woke this morning with mind racing.  The first days after chemo are always "up" days where my mind wakes up to ideas and things to do.  Its the few day later that the chemo drug itself hits and I lose my strength.  Its the cycle of the thing, but this cycle only has 4 more sessions.  Yahoo!

In my mind race this morning I couldn't help but cast my thoughts to the idea of belief so strong that it becomes personal truth.  Much like religious fervor or extreme political beliefs we can convince ourselves of our own unshakeable truths based on a premise we believe in strongly.  I think it comes from the circumstance we may find ourseves in as well as what is taken in from the outside world of information and opinion. 

Our arguments can often times be swayed by a new piece of information that we take on as our own personal "gospel"!  Just as likely we can be so stubborn as to not take in new information no matter how relevant the change might affect current status.  This is my current conundrum.

My belief is that these chemo treatments are the "clean-up" after a cancerous turmor was removed from my body.  It really hasn't ben part of my view that the cancer will ever come back once these chemo treatments are complete.  However, if my circumstance was to change by the lab numbers going up instead of down would I still have this unshakeable belief?  I'd like to think so, but we all know that things change.  The only thing certain in life is change.

I entertain this question at present in an academic way, but don't know how I will feel later.  There is still this drive in me that "believes" that I will be right as rain and never look back.  I'm actually thinking that if I believe hard enough THE force of my belief will become physically manifest.  What I mean is, if I believe in my own health so much that it can actually become physically possible to not have cancer return.  Its a radical and somewhat "cosmic" idea but one that intriques me. 

Extreme belief has never been part of my make-up.  I've always bent to new information and changes to try and keep peace and see all sides of the wonder of how we all work in the world -- our behaviour in cirmcumstances and how we change as we grow.  So this is rather a departure, but owing to the severity of this new change in my life I really like the idea of being "radical"!  It might be viewed as a "head in the sand" approach, but if it works and makes me feel good, why not? I have such a strong conviction about myself now that I think will carry me into the future.  I've become my own religious zealot it seems, but I promise not to start a new fangle church of the insane believers.  Yet, think on it for a minute.

In a world where fact is being replaced by opinion and the fickleness of our changing sound bite opinions I can see why there are such extremes in thinking.   I want there to be reason and heartfelt contemplation and critical thinking, but I think that in certain quarters there is room for the belief in the power of life and perpetuating ourselves into the future.  At the very least, if my circumstance were to drastically change I would like to think that I'm laying the ground work for being able to pass this life with grace.

Told you this was a "weighty blog"!  Phew!

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