Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Waiting for the sun

The impatience of Spring has us all waiting for the sun to shine.  Yet while we wait I don't mind the rain storms and the patches of blues that turn gray and come and go to sun and wet.  The green things in my yard are happy.  I'm happy to watch as I know I can't do much in the garden just now.  It wouldn't do to have the days be too warm too soon anyway, no matter how nice it would be to have the warmth on our bodies.  Summer will come soon enough and we'll be complaining of the heat.  We're such fickle creatures that way.

I wait with chemo as well.  Waiting for my strength to return once these rounds are through.  After tomorrow there shall only be 4 sessions left.  I look forward to the days when my body shall be on its own to heal.  There shall be sun by then I'm sure!

In the meantime I wait in a mindless way, liking escapism into books and tellie.  My thoughts are of simple things like what do I feel like eating or drinking, whether to watch tellie or read?  I know that I'm a petrie dish of chemicals and random thoughts of tomorrows but I find that you need to be calm with this chemical thing.  Waiting to see how you feel everyday.  Some days I'm propped up by my adrenaline when I have visitors.  Other days I find that its all I can do to walk about.  I just put myself in auto-pilot and do what I can.  It may sound simple but waiting used to be something I was never very good at.  It amazes me how patient I am with it now.

As the days wash over me I don't feel guilty about what I cannot do.  I only long for the days when I will be back at work in the studio.  It has been farther away than I would have thought, but now with only a few weeks left til the end of chemo I really don't mind having waited.  The sun will shine after the rain, it usually always does! 

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